52 weeks – February 1st, 2016 – 10 ish months
When I think back to last year at this time – it is hard to believe how much has transpired. Our final holiday together as a family to Florida ended with us having to come back because my Dad could hardly walk. Most of January was more spinal radiation, and hope – hope that he would be eligible for this clinical trial, because the other treatment he was on had failed in December. Last year at this exact moment in time – we were still slightly hopeful. Looking back, I see how hope protects the brain. Hope is a powerful emotion, that we must all hold onto – until we cannot any longer. On Feb 16th, we got the news that the cancer had spread terribly in the brain – there were 9 tumors in the brain alone. Try to process that! Our hope was starting to fade. My Dad never gave up – ever. He took more treatment, even at that time – for the chance that it would give him an extra week. My Dad left the world with his heels dug in til the bitter end. He did not want to go, he was not ready – he never became ready, to be totally honest. When the Doctor told him the news that it was long weeks, to short months – he looked around the room at his whole family, and he said” I cant go now, I still have so much to be responsible for!”.
I will never forget that – ever.
Thinking back on last year, I am grateful to be on this side – although I would take that pain, uncertainty and anxiety for one more moment with my Dad. This whole experience changed me forever. I feel sad and a bit lost from my spirit I used to carry before the diagnosis. I was always a very positive little girl, seeing the light and the love and the ‘meaning’ in everything. My husband would tell you – that I changed on that day, and still have not returned. I long for my old self – like I long for my dad. I am hoping once I hit the year mark – and beyond, that I can slowly edge towards that part of me that shifted or changed – or maybe the point is not to cling to the past, but redefine yourself by taking the lessons, and leaving behind the pain. Either way, the one thing I know for sure is that all we have is NOW, and NOW is ever changing. I also know that when hope starts to fade, the essence of ALLOW must take over.