The Hardest First – 52 Weeks, A Blog Dedicated To Lionel Larry

52 weeks – The HARDEST FIRST – November 17, 2015

It has taken me quite some time to sit down and really face how hard last week was.

November 12, 2015 – My first B day on this earth with out my Dad!

Even just writing that, I need to take a long deep breathe.   As always,  there was the anticipation.  I am learning as I get stronger and more experienced with this path – that the body always knows what is coming, sometimes even before the mind catches up.  Last Monday, I got sick with a brutal cold and I felt out of sorts.  My grief was coming up strong, and I was really unsure why.  I never would have connected it to my b day.  I honestly had to look it up on the internet – would this be a hard day, what were others saying about it?  Then I connected the dots.

I woke up on a day that was normally full of fun, love and celebration – feeling dread.  I did not want to celebrate, I did not want to move, I did not want to face it.  My dad would always tell me stories on my bday, about the day his first daughter was born – the girl after two boys, the best day of his life!  My mom gave me a card, and for the first time in 35 years it  wrote – Love Mom.  It tore my heart open, and out came the tears.  It did not say Love Mom and Dad, and it never would again.  Crazy how the simple things can affect you so much.

The longing was fierce, and the fact that each B day is going to be lonely was daunting.  Everyone will lose their parents at some point, and everyone will live with this pain, just some are spared from it until they are older, they do not have to live as long with it.  I feel young, at 35 to be dealing and facing this pain – although there are some who lose parents much younger than me.  I am learning that grief is not linear, that this pain will always be here, and that every time I hear my Dads voice, or think of a memory, I will cry.  I cry a lot now, for no particular reason.  I was talking to a friend this morning about life.  We were saying how challenging it can be, even at the best of times.  I will never forget some of the final words my Dad said to me as he was passing.  He said it is all just so hard Jodi, it is all hard…..

Life is hard – it is also beautiful and mysterious and full of so much light and love.  Life is everything.  I think when we can accept that fact and stop striving only for the happiness, we actually find more ease and comfort.  Life is everything. Life is love and pain, light and dark, travel and the mundane, work and play.  Life is pleasure and discomfort, fear and ease.

If I could have 5 more minutes with my Dad – I would have played him this song, I would have thanked him for giving up his whole life to make me happy, I would have thanked him for dedicating his whole life to me.  I would have told him that I would hope to be the parent he was….I would have told him that I loved him, and I miss him every day, and it kills me.  I would have thanked him for the love that causes this pain.  I would have thanked him for the love that causes this pain…  I would thank him for my spirit, I would say I love you….

You’ve been so kind and generous
I don’t know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I’m in debt to you
For your selflessness, my admiration
And for everything you’ve done

You know I’m bound…
I’m bound to thank you for it

You’ve been so kind and generous
I don’t know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I’m in debt to you
And I never could have come this far without you
So for everything you’ve done

You know I’m bound…
I’m bound to thank you for it

I want to thank you
For so many gifts
You gave with love and tenderness
I want to thank you

I want to thank you
For your generosity
The love and the honesty
That you gave me

I want to thank you
Show my gratitude
My love and my respect for you
I want to thank you

I want to…

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

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I understand and acknowledge that Dr. Jodi Larry, N.D. is a registered naturopathic doctor and the Cleanse for Life program (the “CFL Program”) is a group supported cleanse intended for general well-being, to enhance my knowledge of health and wellness as it relates to foods, dietary supplements and lifestyle behaviors. I represent and warrant that I am healthy and do not have a medical condition that would prevent my participation in the CFL Program. In addition, I understand and acknowledge that Dr. Larry is not a psychiatrist, psychologist or psychotherapist. Dr. Larry is no way responsible for any personal issues or anxieties that may be triggered because of my participation in the CFL Program. I understand that it can be a detriment to my health and safety to participate in the CFL Program if I am going through any of the following: · Acute trauma · Severe mental health condition that is not currently stable · Active addiction to drugs or alcohol · Eating disorder (unless stable and I have provided a letter from my treating therapist approving participation it the CFL Program). I acknowledge that if I am under the care of a health professional or currently use prescription medications, I will discuss any dietary changes or the potential use of any dietary supplements with my doctor and will not discontinue any prescription medications without first consulting my medical doctor. In consideration of being permitted to participate in the CFL Program, I agree to assume full responsibility for any risks, injuries, or damages known or unknown which might incur as a result of my participation. Understanding the CFL Program – A Safe Environment and Confidentiality The CFL Program can be a powerful and valuable venue for healing and growth. It is a process of understanding more about yourself and others in a safe environment. You are welcome to share as much or as little about yourself while in the group, however, the more open you are the better experience you will have. Due to the nature of the CFL Program privacy and confidentiality are of the utmost concern. A safe environment is fostered and maintained by both Dr. Larry and the group members. Primary ingredients are mutual respect and a chance to create trust. Another primary ingredient for a safe environment has to do with confidentiality. Dr. Larry is bound by law to maintain confidentiality, as group members are bound by honor to keep what is said in the group in the group. Therefore, it is essential that any and all information presented and shared within the group, whether by Dr. Larry or another group member, is not to be discussed outside of the group setting with anyone for any reason. For clarity, you are permitted to share what you are learning about yourself in the CFL Program with a significant other, however you may not talk about how events unfold in group or in any other way compromise the confidentiality of other group members. I understand and acknowledge that confidentiality may be breached by Dr. Larry if a CFL Program participants discusses any of the following: (a) suicidal ideations or thoughts and Dr. Larry feels the person is at risk; (b) intent to harm him/herself or someone else; or (c) physical abuse. Dr. Larry is mandated by her board to give this information to appropriate persons in order to obtain the best care for you and those you may harm. In further consideration of being permitted to participate in the CFL Program, I knowingly, voluntarily, and expressly release Dr. Larry from any and all liabilities and waive any claim I may have against Dr. Jodi Larry for injury or damages that I sustain as a result of such participation. I and my heirs or legal representatives forever release, waive, discharge, and covenant not to sue Dr. Jodi Larry, for any injury or death caused by negligence or other acts. I have read the above informed consent and waiver and fully understand its contents. I voluntarily agree to the terms and conditions stated above.