Week 8 – 52 Weeks, A Blog Dedicated To Lionel Larry

Week 8 – May 18, 2015

It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth – and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

To say that this long weekend was hard, would be an understatement.  On the exterior – the sun was shining, I was up north in my happy place, the summer was starting – which is always exciting! I loved watching my little boy play with all his cousins, and it was great to be at my cottage with my whole family under one roof.  The problem is – the void of my father was so strong and so deep, especially up north.  My cottage was my fathers pride and joy.  He lived for the cottage – the lake, the boat, golfing, but most of all – what he loved the most – was all of us together, no stress, just living, just being and enjoying each other.  My dad used to always tell me he felt so blessed that we all loved to be together up there.  The truth was – we always loved to be together. When we were up there and together everything felt whole, happy and complete.   This weekend it felt broken apart.  The waves of emotion were so strong, so intense.  It just did not feel right – where was he?  How could this be our reality?  I am only 34.  Every time my mind went to the fact that this was the cottage now – I got filled with waves of emotion.

How can this be the cottage now? The life of the party is no longer there……the man who created it all and made it all happen for us.  He made it all happen for us – always.   Watching my son Cole playing in the sand with his cousins on Saturday morning, I just wished that my Dad could see.  I really hope he can.  I hope I can find the strength to move through this all with grace – its really tough, and to be honest it seems to be getting harder each day.  I look to the people before me, and I know that if they could move through, so can my family.  I hate that my dad will not see Cole grow up at the cottage.  I hate it with all my might, but it gets me no where.

I now see why the “firsts” are the hardest – I guess your heart and mind learn how to adjust.  We are human beings, and we were born to adjust, to be resilient, to learn.  I also know that my dad would not want us to waste a minute of our time up north being sad or suffering.  He would want us to live every day to the fullest and enjoy!  So when I am able, I carry the pain in my heart, remembering that is now him with me and inside me and I try to enjoy – the small beauties.  I try to live – all moments, all the special moments.

ATHA.

Til Next Week,

Jodi